Sunday, November 30, 2008


I looked up this word today online and one aspect of the definition stated, "not feeling part of society." Sometimes I feel like a disenfranchised person, like I don't fit in anywhere. Most women my age are already grandmothers or they have kids in college (I do have one getting ready to go to college next year). My husband has five grandchildren who were all born since we've been married, but it doesn't feel quite the same -- even though I do love those sweet children so much. I do find it difficult at times to relate to those women (who are sometimes 10-15 years younger than me) who have kids the same ages as mine. Since I have been married before, I sometimes find it difficult to relate to those who have been married to the same man for 25 years or more. I find myself comparing myself to other women who have neater houses, cleaner bathrooms, better dinner menus and boundless energy - and I do recognize that this is a danger game to play - to compare myself with others is so destructive - but I do ramble down that road at times.

I don't even feel like I fit in with my own family. I don't believe I'm doing that grand of a job--I'm not that patient and am often grumpy to anyone within three feet of me. I'm not my children's favorite person to be around (like I was when they were young) and I've heard that someday that will all change and that my kids will rally around me and think I'm wonderful (again). Maybe when I'm in a nursing home (ha ha).

Seriously, I can behave myself and be personable and reach out to someone else, no matter where they are in their station in life. It's just during some of these more introspective moments that I lose sight of what the Lord has for me - and it's then when I need to re-focus and regroup and retrain my thoughts to become more in line with His.

Sometimes I do feel like I'm better off sitting on that shelf - knowing that I was valuable to God at one time in my life and to just be glad that at least He did find some good use for me at one point.

I wonder how I will fit in - with this new season of life that the Lord has brought my way. I do believe in my heart that His timing is best. I just feel so out of place, that this outfit is so ill-fitting and uncomfortable, that I don't understand, I don't like the unknown, the mysteries that abound - but He does. And this is the best way for Him to get the glory and for me to get the blessing.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are his ways higher than our ways and his thoughts than our thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

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