Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Having a hard day/week/year moment....

This has probably been the hardest year/month/week time in my life as a believer. I must have a twisted view of God because I feel like saying to God, "ok.... i cry uncle, I give... you won the arm wrestling contest (and I wasn't even trying to win)."

I don't mean to complain or whine (although as I've looked back on my past posts, it does seem as though I'm a bit of a whiner... sorry - that's where I am right now...) but that's why I called my blog, "Desparate for His Grace" because right now is a time of lamentations for me. The only difference is that I don't see the end in sight. At least right now I cannot say, "praise be to God, etc." I don't feel praise and I can't sing praise. I can only spout sadness and pain.

I am having a very difficult time holding my head up.... it does feel as though the water is rushing over me and I'm sinking, barely able to keep up. I keep waiting for that "grace that passes all understanding" to kick in. I keep waiting for the scripture to come alive for a verse just for me, to find that verse that speaks to my heart - and yet it's strangely silent around here.

I seem to weep all too often - for no apparent reason - although I do have some good reasons to justify why I shed those tears .... I know it does no good to feel sorry for myself. I know that God does not owe me anything. He does not owe me happiness or joy. He has given me everything for this life to live a godly life and I am complete in Christ. I know all this in my head and I've learned it all in bible college many years ago. But for some reason, after almost 37 years of being a believer in Christ, I seem to have forgotten how to "activate" these truths so that they become evident in my life again.

The truth of the matter is that I just don't see a way out of this dark tunnel. I seem to fall into this strange thought pattern of "well hang on for just a few more years and the kids will all be grown, out of the house, and you won't have to try so hard to be a good mom, a good Christian because they won't be around to see me regularly fall/fail/mess up." Isn't that crazy thinking???

But that's where I am ... I do see occasional small graces and favors that He seems to bestow on me here and there ... but honestly, it's not enough these days. I am taking these little crumbs and gobbling them up, hoping to be filled ... only find myself to be hungering for more ... more crumbs to help stop the aching pain inside.

I have almost stopped praying... I don't know what to say to Him. He knows my heart. Maybe He's not through "teaching" me something. I keep thinking maybe I've sinned or have forgotten to confess something (and I know I have sinned here and there; I'm not talking about a pervasive sinful pattern). Then I think maybe I haven't repented enough.

I have no joy or peace while I am going through this and I thought that was what was supposed to sustain me. Honestly, I am such a poor excuse for a believer right now. I'm certainly not the poster child of someone who has gone through a hard time and with the Lord's help has triumphed victoriously.

I am still in the pits. I cannot get out. I have no close friend to talk to about this or to help me and I feel so alone. I've been told by others that perhaps God is using this time to cause me to depend on Him too much and not on a friend. Maybe so - but that's not helping either because He too is silent.

I don't know what to do... I'm not in a self-destructive mode - so if anyone is reading this please know that I do not intend to do any harm to myself as that is the most selfish thing anyone can do.... I just don't know what to do, what to feel, how to be... how to think... how to pray... where to go.

I don't want to hear someone say, "fall into the arms of your dear savior as He knows what you're going through." Nope... don't think so.... because if what I'm experiencing is due to some sin in my life, then that means I deserve this pain/agony/aloneness and He cannot relate to that because He never sinned.

I just need anyone who reads this to pray for me... please as I am struggling so much right now and feel so very alone in this pain....

a weary pilgrim who's lost her way in the storm.

1 comment:

acme said...

Lord, have mercy on my sister. Show her how long and wide and high and deep your love for her is.

I followed your link from sgmsurvivors--and I know you felt better after this post, but I wanted to leave a post and a prayer here for you.

He loves you. Your pain may or may not come as a result of your sin, but it doesn't make it less painful, nor does it make Him love you any less (or more).